Monday, March 31, 2008
Working Through Disappointment
I think of Vassar as a person. Or rather, I think of Vassar in terms of the women that go there, and what I imagine them to be (beautiful, smart, exotic, talented. Women that do interesting things, like backpack through South America, and foster baby monkeys, and go to parties like in The Great Gatsby, and then have beautiful, well-lit apartments with Chinese screens and fabulously handsome boyfriends that like to read the Sunday Times over breakfast.), but also Vassar, a person. Vassar is male for some reason, and very attractive, but in a cold, unapproachable way. He isn't nice really, or he isn't friendly, but he's very smart and funny, in a kind of biting way. I wish he was here now, I'd have a thing or two to say to him. Except I wouldn't have the guts, especially because I'd freeze in the face of his cool indifference, realizing that the fact that I wanted it so much is why I'll never have it. I thought it would be easier to make my case if Vassar were a person, but I know it wouldn't be. It'd be hell, trying to justify myself to a school that I'm picturing as a smug bastard. It's such a pretty mental image, myself as a Vassar girl, but I have to really let it go, not just pretend to in order to kid myself and fool The Fates. It isn't meant to be.