Monday, March 31, 2008

Working Through Disappointment

I think of Vassar as a person. Or rather, I think of Vassar in terms of the women that go there, and what I imagine them to be (beautiful, smart, exotic, talented. Women that do interesting things, like backpack through South America, and foster baby monkeys, and go to parties like in The Great Gatsby, and then have beautiful, well-lit apartments with Chinese screens and fabulously handsome boyfriends that like to read the Sunday Times over breakfast.), but also Vassar, a person. Vassar is male for some reason, and very attractive, but in a cold, unapproachable way. He isn't nice really, or he isn't friendly, but he's very smart and funny, in a kind of biting way. I wish he was here now, I'd have a thing or two to say to him. Except I wouldn't have the guts, especially because I'd freeze in the face of his cool indifference, realizing that the fact that I wanted it so much is why I'll never have it. I thought it would be easier to make my case if Vassar were a person, but I know it wouldn't be. It'd be hell, trying to justify myself to a school that I'm picturing as a smug bastard. It's such a pretty mental image, myself as a Vassar girl, but I have to really let it go, not just pretend to in order to kid myself and fool The Fates. It isn't meant to be.

I Guess I'm a Geneseo Gal

Dear Caroline,

I talked with Vassar Admissions today and learned that we will
probably not be taking any transfer students this year! They don't
know for sure yet but we have had a record number of applicants and
that usually means all the places will be taken.

I hope that you can get to a school that you enjoy and I wish you
only the very best for the future.


Sunday, March 30, 2008


Am I a good friend? I try, but most people don't set out to be bad friends. I just feel like...I don't know, if I were a good friend, my friends wouldn't make me feel bad about myself. They'd avoid hurting my feelings, cuz I try to avoid hurting theirs.
I keep thinking things are going to reset at the end of this year, and I'll get another blank slate. I guess it's carry-over from senior year, but I need to start thinking about consequences. I wish I could start over. I was thinking about transferring today. Not just to Vassar, just not Geneseo. It's too much like City Honors. I'm jealous of people that aren't in school. I half wish I could just leave. Just like, vanish, and never see these people again. I hate it when people use their blogs to bitch about their friends and how life is so hard and it isn't fair, and yet here I am. I know I should just pull up my socks and concentrate on finishing the semester, and then I can work things out from there. I'll be home, and away from school people, and things will look better. Right now though it's hard to imagine things not sucking. I just want to go away.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Random Acts of Kindness

I sometimes just sit around on autopilot, not being a jerk, but not really extending myself, or going out of my way to be nice. Not today though, today I'm going to strive for something more. I don't know how I'll do this, but when the opportunity presents itself I'll be ready. My eyes are open to how much a simple gesture can mean, and I'm going to do some good today.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

So Far So Good

Things have been going really well this trip. We've been getting along and seeing a lot of sights, and just having a grand old time. Yesterday we went to the seaport and got cheap tickets to see "A Chorus Line", (Cheap being a relative term. I wasn't crazy about spending $60, but I haven't spent very much money this trip. We've only paid for food once, and it was dessert in Little Italy. That isn't bad, we're really being very economical.) and then went to the Met. It was cool, they were shooting an episode of "Gossip Girl" out front. We didn't stay as long as we would have liked, Nicole's dad wanted to take us to dinner, so we had to be back in Queens by 5, which meant leaving at like 4. We saw the costumes exhibit though, and some American and Egyptian stuff.
We're going to see the matinée show of "A Chorus Line" later, and then we'll probably hook up with Clarence and Grace for dinner at Clarence's restaurant. And that'll be it. We go home tomorrow, and I'm super excited to see everyone. Nicole's dad's cats are nice, but clawed, and not fully comfortable with me, and there's something abut being around a friend's parents that makes you appreciate your own. It's been a fun trip though.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


So far the trip has been good. We've eaten at Clarence's restaurant twice, brunch yesterday and dinner today, we've gone to Central Park and horsed around (there's a video of me and Clarence wrestling floating around somewhere), and today we went to Mass and MoMA. I'm not really a fan of modern art as a rule, I like pictures that are really lifelike and detailed, like "The Marvelous Sauce", but I like MoMA, especially on a Sunday afternoon, when 90% of the visitors are not speaking English. It's good for people watching. We wandered for a few hours, and then collapsed on one of the giant bench/couch/mattress things. We were resting, head to head, and people started taking our pictures! It was crazy, at least five people took our picture, and some people came right up close. One woman was very nice, she took a series of pictures from a variety of angles, and gave me her card. She's a photographer, and she even asked for my email and said she'd send me the pictures if they turn out ok. The guy next to me was creepy though, he took several pictures of me, just me, not my friends, and he got up very close. It was awkward, especially because I do not like having my picture taken.
Everyone I told I was going to New York for break assumed I would be going clubbing, but we've been back in Queens every night by ten. We were only out that late because Clarence kept feeding us, we're all stuffed. I had the roasted chicken, which was every bit as good as I remembered it being when Mum ordered it. I also had the apple pie, and we all shared two orders of the air-baked fries. It was insane, even after not eating all day.
We're sleeping in tomorrow and I'm very excited. We've been getting up at eight, which is earlier than I wake up at school.

Saturday, March 15, 2008


So here we all are in Mr. L.'s really nice apartment, hanging out before we venture forth into the city. We're going to Clarence's restaurant for brunch, then who knows? It's overcast, so we probably aren't going to Central Park today, but we'll find something to do, we're very resourceful. We're taking pictures too, so all of our goings-on will be photo documented.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Mandolin Sliced Rat Brains

I really really want it to be summer. I'm toiling in the law office o'fun for about a month before I go abroad, and then for another month after I come back, but I just love summer. There's the farmers' market, and Shakespeare in the Park, and it's warm and sunny, and it's one of my favorite seasons. It always feels like something exciting could happen in the summer. Something exciting is happening, I'm going to Amsterdam, but I mean little exciting things too.
On a side note, today is going really well. I thought I slept through my first class, but it was canceled. The universe is looking out for me, possibly because I have near-perfect attendance. I've only missed one class this semester, and snowboarding trumps abnormal psych.

Monday, March 10, 2008


College is the first time in my life that I wish there were more hours in the day. The solution is probably sleeping less, but I don't know if that's going to work, less sleep means I have less energy, which makes it a lateral step in the long run. Monday and Wednesday I have class from 9:30-11:30, and then I volunteer at Holcomb until 12:20, and have class again at 3:30. Rugby starts for real after spring break, so that'll be Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday 5-7, with tournaments taking up all of most Saturdays. Tuesday/Thursday I have class from 9:55-11:10, and then again at 2:10-3:30. Friday I'm done with everything, classes and volunteering, by 12:30. I was hoping to start volunteering at Teresa House this semester, but they aren't getting back to me. I'll have to look into that after break, but that'll be another four hours a week that's accounted for. I usually go to the gym for an hour in the afternoon, but that will change when I have almost everyday practices. I wish I had a car and knew how to drive. That would really open up job opportunities, which are pretty limited on campus. I saw a job milking cows, that might be fun, but I couldn't get there. I don't even have my bike here. I really really don't want to work in the dining hall, even being in there for the time it takes you to eat results in the CAS food smell lingering in your clothes and hair for ages. I don't even know if I'm hire-able, I don't have experience, and it's midway through the semester. So I don't have time, and I probably couldn't get a job even if I did. Perfect.
I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not sitting on my hands out here. I really am busy, and stressed, and calling me at ten right during midterms to chew me out seems a little unfair, at least to me, in my current sleep-deprived state. Not that fairness matters or counts for anything, just as an observation. This was in my head just now, I wonder why. There was also just an episode of "Degrassi" where Marco considers whoring himself out in order to pay for his going out. I don't have that kind of expenses though, and I don't know anyone that's willing to pay. So I guess I'm spared. I feel like Rose in I Capture the Castle, you can't go on the streets in Geneseo.

The Final Sprint Before Break

Today was the worst bit, I had two papers due and a Child Development test. So really, I guess last night was the worst bit. Now I have a Stage Musicals Midterm on Wednesday, and I think I'm in the clear. But I'm not 100% certain. I should look into that. It's only a matter of time beforeI'm on the road with my friends and their snake though, so I can deal with this. Spring break is a week away, I just need to hold on a little longer.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Gray Sky Eyes

Today is the sort of day that is perfect for a long walk with your iPod, followed by a nap. It's chilly but not cold, and the air has a nice dampness that is what I imagine Ireland is like.
Clarence and I were horsing around in the basement of the library last night, half watching "Cabaret" and now I have finger print bruises on my wrist. Added on top of my rugby bruises, I look battered. He didn't mean to squeeze me that hard, he was very apologetic when I showed him the bruises. I gave as good as I got, he was tied hand to foot while I seven tortures tickled him.
I'm reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns". It's very good, but maybe not as good as "The Kite Runner". I do enjoy having something to read though, it's a nice break from my complusive journaling.
The Womens' Rugby Date Party is tomorrow night. I can't decide if I'm excited or apathetic, but I hope it's a fun time. I don't see why it shouldn't be, it's an evening of dressing up and hanging out with my friends. And Goose. So there you go. I don't want to wear a dress, I feel very self-conscious, but the dainty-ness bar is pretty low for girls rugby, so I shouldn't worry.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Application Woes

I sent in my transfer application yesterday. None of my friends are supporting me, but that's ok, I can see their points. The professor that is recommending me told me that he was offered an interview to teach there, years and years ago, but he never went because Geneseo hired him first. He said he's always felt a little wistful about it though, despite loving Geneseo. I knew he was the right professor to ask.
I can picture myself coming back next fall, I could stay here and be happy, but I'm curious. I would almost feel relieved at being rejected. It would be a Sign. Getting in would be really conflicting, because while there are things that I love about Geneseo, I'm pretty certain I'd go. The list of reasons to stay is short and cowardly, and I'd always have that same wistfulness, wondering what I missed out on. I shouldn't have told CWB about this, I felt so good about my decision until I did.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

A Highly Lame Weekend

Last week was a total drag, I had a lot of midterm work, and tackling practices in the squash courts are extremely unfun. My knees, wrists and ankles are all bruised. I had high hopes for the weekend however, I thought it would be a good one, with square dancing and parties. Friday came around though, and I didn't want to go out. I was tired. I almost fell asleep at dinner I was so tired. Chelsea and I had planned on going out, but I just wasn't up to it. I went to bed at ten. A weak Friday isn't the end of the world, but I woke up sick on Saturday. It felt a lot like strep, and I fumed about Health Services being closed on the weekends, then spent the day in my pajamas, sleeping and watching online netflix. Saturday night was supposed to be a blast, starting with square dancing, then going to a 90s pop star party, and then to a frat, but that just wasn't in the cards. I got as far as the Union, (I wanted to see Max playing with the string band, but he isn't a fiddle player, so he was in the back and I couldn't see him from the door, and I didn't want to pay to go in just to see him.) but I felt too rotten to dance, so I just went back to my room. My friends all went out and had crazy drunken shenanigans, I stayed in and did laundry. I also watched "Happenstance" which was really good. I like Audrey Tautou, she reminds me of Little Aunt Grace. Saturday night isn't a great time to do laundry, all the shut-ins assume it would be, and then there aren't any free dryers. I was up pretty late folding and whatnot, and then a friend came by and needed comforting, so I ended up staying up pretty late. Goose may not be perfect, he pulls me through knots and goes home all the time for work, and I said I was giving up and not caring, and we were just going to be friends, but I can't do that, but at least he isn't as bad as Friend X's boy. After an hour of listening to her story I wanted to kill this boy, he's so horrible, and there isn't any reason for it, but I also wanted to call Goose and thank him for not being a creep and tell him he can leave me twisting all he wants, he's still better than this other guy, and I'm lucky to have whatever lame not-anything thing we have. At least I'm not being tortured. My situation is frustrating, but not actively painful.
I wanted to go to the Genesee Abbey today with Outing Club, but I missed practice, and one of the captains was going and I didn't want a lecture about how if I'm too sick for rugby then I'm too sick for outings. I don't have much work though, because I had so many tests last week, so I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I guess I'll work on my Geneseo Honors essay, but that hardly seems like a fun conclusion to a weekend.