Monday, September 29, 2008

More Angst

This is one of those posts that you can feel free to skim or skip, but I want to put these things out there because they're rolling around in the rock-tumbler that is my head, and I want to talk about it, but no one wants to listen because it's the same old stuff.
I had a really nice day today. I was in a great mood, and I felt liked and good, practice went well, but my brain can't allow me to relax, so it decided to spring the whole "what was wrong with me that the one person I decided to open myself up to last year rejected me without any explanation?" problem on me. Again. Because I haven't ruminated about it enough yet. I don't even care about him anymore at this point (Mostly because I never see him around campus. I suspect that if I did I would be more forgiving in the face of his cheerful handsomeness.), but I still feel inadequate and weird. I don't want to like anyone new, and so all of my interactions with guys have been kind of guarded since then. Even now, the closest I'm coming to a crush is on the King of the Unattainables, because I feel safe liking someone that is so weird and awkward that I know I will never need to open up to. I don't understand what I did wrong, and I can't ask him because it would be weird and if he answered truthfully my feelings would be tremendously hurt and I would feel embarrassed and awful and brood about it for another six months, and if he lied or skirted the question I would have shown my hand and revealed how much it hurt me without even getting closure. There's no solution except to get over it, but I don't know how. I don't know how to stop it from happening again, and I haven't met anyone worth the trouble, so it shouldn't even be an issue, but it will be until I move onto someone new and don't get my hand spanked for being excited and falling in love. It's possible that I just liked the wrong person and it wasn't anything I did. I doubt the solution is changing my behavior, cuz someone will eventually love me for all of my...whatever I did that turned him off. Plus I'm now carrying around that baggage, so I'm even less lovable than I was then. And I still compare other potential boys to him which is just self-defeating and pointless because no one can live up to the standard of The One That Got Away which is what I've made this into. He isn't that amazing! I just can't warp my mind around someone seeing me, the way I am, sort of at my best, cuz I liked him so much, and not...loving me back. I don't expect the whole world to love me, but I'm still surprised when people I'm prepared to adore don't like me. That's the sort of thing that makes my friends impatient with me, and maybe it's terrible, but I can't help it. It's a drawback from growing up in a loving household.
On a different note, has everyone heard the Ben Folds and Regina Spektor song? It's very awesome.


Andrea said...

1. Less angst, more studying.
2. I refuse to apologize for raising you girls knowing that you are loved, capable of love and deserving of love.
3. One view:
4. Another view:
5. And another:

Focus on the positive. Focus on the present, not the past. Excelsior!

Emily said...

When I was twelve, I was seriously worried that I'd never be able to be in a relationship because no one else was as wonderful as John Linnell. I've felt that way several times since then about several different people. (I kind of feel that way now.) But I know I'm always wrong.

TCA said...

I do NOT treat this lightly, but...unrequited love can be quite marvelous down the line. It will allow you to really appreciate music and great novels and great art. In fact, what you are feeling will help you to recognize these great things much more easily and appreciate them so much more.

And, I hope you will trust me when I say that it will both help you to recognize true love when you find it and know how to nurture it better as well.