Protest

There was an anti-homosexual protest today on the College Green. It was small, just some guy and his adult daughter, but it caused quite a stir. The Pride Alliance was out there in full force, it was a huge mob of very angry rainbow-bedecked people by the time I got there. It was peaceful, even though the students were shouting and getting in their faces, Pride kept things under control. The man was apparently really belligerent, but his daughter was trying to explain her position reasonably and people were very disrespectful and aggressive with her. I was impressed by how calm they were, I would be pretty freaked out if I was facing that kind of angry mass of college students. I was indignant when I first heard about it, but before I got to the Green my favorite professor made the point that they were doing what they thought was right, and they really think that gay people are going to go to Hell if they don't change. That's wrong and ignorant, but I feel like it's well-intentioned if they are coming from a loving place and not just hating gay people. If you are going to be honest, the students were being disrespectful too, by swearing at these people and disregarding their beliefs. The whole thing was just frustrating, and people are impatient with me for not being more angry, but it isn't that black and white. The man was apparently saying that Catholics aren't Christians, but I feel like the thing to do in these situations is to ignore them, and not give them the satisfaction of causing a stir, and forgive them, because they don't know any better. Two rugby girls reacted by making out in front of this guy, and I feel like that's sort of disrespectful, but a better way to protest, acts of love, and not anger. It's like my roommate's friend wanted to throw a Bible at the man, it made me think of that scene from "Saved!", that isn't what it's for.

More Angst

This is one of those posts that you can feel free to skim or skip, but I want to put these things out there because they're rolling around in the rock-tumbler that is my head, and I want to talk about it, but no one wants to listen because it's the same old stuff.
I had a really nice day today. I was in a great mood, and I felt liked and good, practice went well, but my brain can't allow me to relax, so it decided to spring the whole "what was wrong with me that the one person I decided to open myself up to last year rejected me without any explanation?" problem on me. Again. Because I haven't ruminated about it enough yet. I don't even care about him anymore at this point (Mostly because I never see him around campus. I suspect that if I did I would be more forgiving in the face of his cheerful handsomeness.), but I still feel inadequate and weird. I don't want to like anyone new, and so all of my interactions with guys have been kind of guarded since then. Even now, the closest I'm coming to a crush is on the King of the Unattainables, because I feel safe liking someone that is so weird and awkward that I know I will never need to open up to. I don't understand what I did wrong, and I can't ask him because it would be weird and if he answered truthfully my feelings would be tremendously hurt and I would feel embarrassed and awful and brood about it for another six months, and if he lied or skirted the question I would have shown my hand and revealed how much it hurt me without even getting closure. There's no solution except to get over it, but I don't know how. I don't know how to stop it from happening again, and I haven't met anyone worth the trouble, so it shouldn't even be an issue, but it will be until I move onto someone new and don't get my hand spanked for being excited and falling in love. It's possible that I just liked the wrong person and it wasn't anything I did. I doubt the solution is changing my behavior, cuz someone will eventually love me for all of my...whatever I did that turned him off. Plus I'm now carrying around that baggage, so I'm even less lovable than I was then. And I still compare other potential boys to him which is just self-defeating and pointless because no one can live up to the standard of The One That Got Away which is what I've made this into. He isn't that amazing! I just can't warp my mind around someone seeing me, the way I am, sort of at my best, cuz I liked him so much, and not...loving me back. I don't expect the whole world to love me, but I'm still surprised when people I'm prepared to adore don't like me. That's the sort of thing that makes my friends impatient with me, and maybe it's terrible, but I can't help it. It's a drawback from growing up in a loving household.
On a different note, has everyone heard the Ben Folds and Regina Spektor song? It's very awesome.

Killing Time (Not Studying)

1. How does the world see you?
Death Cab For Cutie "Crooked Teeth"
You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave.
Hmm...maybe not the image I want to project, even if it says I'm cute.

2.Will I have a happy life?
Carbon Leaf "Reunion Monticello"
We danced and drank the sun! It over flowed and washed the past away. We roamed! Echo! Laughter! Spirits danced a jig around their graves...
...Then came the rain.
I kind of like this actually. Dancing and drinking the sun sounds like a nice life to me.

3. What do my friends really think of me?
The White Stripes "A Martyr for My Love for You"
I could stay a while/But sooner or later I'll break your smile
And I can tell a joke/But one of these days I'm bound to choke
And we could share a kiss/But I feel like I can't go through with this
And I bet we could build a home/But I know the right thing for me to do
Is to leave you alone
My friends and I have mutually destructive relationships and we should avoid each other? Even The White Stripes are against my friends.

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Josh Groban "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring"
Drawn by Thee, our souls aspiring
Soar to uncreated light
So...yes. In a kind of worshipful way. Eh, I'll take what I can get.

5. How can I make myself happy?
Freedy Johnston "Changed Your Mind"
Changed your mind/You decided maybe that
he wasn't your type
Getting over people that I'm not suited to? Who could possibly think that would make me happy? Ok fine, it's spot on. Score one for iTunes.

6. What should I do with my life?
Spirit of the West "Be Right"
There's still victories to be won/ if we all work as one
Work on the side of good and "be right". Kind of vague, but on the right path I guess.

7. Will I ever have children?
Dixie Chicks "Landslide"
But time makes you bolder/Children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm taking this as a yes. So yay, babies for Caroline!


8. What is some good advice for me?
The Beatles "I Should've Known Better"
Can't you see, can't you see?
That when I tell you that I love you, oh,
You're gonna say you love me too, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, oh,
Be open to love? People that love me are lovable, or I'm lovable to people that I love? Either way, it's good advice.

9. How will I be remembered?
Freedy Johnston "Moving on a Holiday"
Just another place left clean
Won't be dreaming here anymore
Empty shelves and lonely keys
Sounds so hollow when I shut the door
No one will remember me. They will shut the door on their memories of me. Bummer.

10. What is my signature dancing song?
Herman's Hermits "Listen People"
Take my advice and you'll always find
You'll be happy all of the time
Take my advice and you will see
You'll be happy as you can be
It's kind of slow, I don't know how fun it is to dance to. There are some fast bits though, and I guess I could just sort of...sway.

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
Kinna Sohna "Gunjan "
I can't even find lyrics to this, it's from the "Bend it Like Beckham" soundtrack and I think in Bengali.
12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
The Beatles "Helter Skelter"
I will you won't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you
Tell me tell me tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer
My friends think I'm crazy and going to kill people? Maybe that's why we should avoid each other.

13. What song will play at my funeral?
The Beatles "I'll Follow the Sun"
One day you'll look to see I've gone
For tomorrow may rain,
so I'll follow the sun
That's pretty appropriate actually.

14 What type of men do I like?
The Backstreet Boys "No One Else Comes Close"
But girl you know that I would never
Ever let anothers touch, come between
The two of us
cause no one else will ever take your place
Sappy romantic, devoted men? Nice.

15. What is my day going to be like?
Pocahontas "Just Around the River Bend"
I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for ...
Cool. A day filled with potential.

Did You Get Lost in Amsterdam?

I really miss Amsterdam this week. It already seems unreal, like I saw a movie about it, but I never actually went. I should have taken more pictures. I took a lot in Paris, but I didn't develop the same kind of relationship with Paris. I didn't live there, I just visited.
I've been listening to the Guster song "Amsterdam" a lot lately. That, and the Tegan and Sara song "Where Does the Good Go?". What can I say, I love repetition. My neighbors haven't complained yet, and Danielle doesn't seem to mind, so I'm going to keep it up. That's the only drawback to live performances, especially impromptu ones, you can never hear it again most of the time. Sometimes there are youtube videos or concert dvds, but most of the time it's a one shot deal. I once heard these two camp counselors at Weona play their guitar and mandolin, and no version of "Colleen Malone" will ever compare. They were twins, and I entertained minor crushed on them both for the rest of camp after their performance. I still think about them, even though I barely knew them, simply because they played that song. It was that good. I love stuff like that though, there are hundreds of little live shows that I want to see again, a juggler in Maryland, a break dance show in Paris, a song about turning the radio on and getting in touch with God that was popular at the open mic bluegrass night in Tennessee. It's great that I got to experience these things at all, it seems ungrateful to want more, but...well there is not but I guess. I'm probably going to think about those twins every now and again for the rest of my life though.
I wonder if love songs are just made up, or people really feel that way about real people. That they're in a relationship with, not just that they're creepily obsessed with. I love reading the wedding announcements in the Sunday Times, because I like to be reassured that people do fall in love, and things occasionally work out. It seems unlikely that I'll find someone to love in college, but it would be easier to wait if I had some reassurance that it would happen eventually.
I had two tests in the past two days, so I'm giving myself the night off to read Les Miserables. I don't know what I was thinking starting a novel the size of a cinder block right as school starts getting all time consuming, but now I'm engrossed and can't stop.

Caroline Goes Looking For Adventure

There was some drama in the hall last night, with one roommate being selfish and displacing the other, so we had a special guest crashing on our floor. I like sleepovers, so it was all good, but I woke up feeling out of sorts with the other roommate. I was hoping people would want to do something today, but everyone was homework-bound after brunch, so I found myself cranky and alone. I worked on my Escape Plan for a bit, but then I decided that was a waste of a lovely day, and I should go parading while I still can. The Union rents bicycles, and I had been meaning to get one and ride around for ages. Today seemed like the perfect day, so that's what I did. I had a vague notion of riding to Conesus Lake, but I got lost. I always think it would be nice to ride a bike around the Geneseo area, it's pretty, and I like bike riding. The hills though, are a force to be reckoned with. It's a warm day, and I hadn't ridden on hills like that in God only knows how long. I didn't have water, and my excitement was waning when I realized that I had no idea where I was. I turned around then, and was going to give up. Sometimes you can't go looking for adventure, you have to let it find you. It isn't something that can be forced. I got back to Main Street, but I didn't want to return the bike yet, so I decided to bike to Letchworth State Park. My expectations were low, I mostly hoped that the bike wouldn't break and send me flying. (Union bikes are pretty low quality, and this one felt especially rickity. It also didn't have a bell, but it did have the most uncomfortable saddle I've ever sat on.) I was close-ish to Letchworth State Park, taking in the view, when I saw...A Historical Reenactment! I of course pulled over and checked it out. It was small, maybe eight tents, but there were people in period dress, cooking venison they had shot with their muzzle loaders over campfires, so I was happy. They weren't friendly per se, one man actually yelled at me a little for walking around with my head held up, smiling, while the government is robbing me blind, but other people were nicer. I got to see a gun firing and cannon shooting demonstration, and I was invited to a thing in June. I love reenactments. Lots of these reenactors also go to Fort Niagara, and apparently next year is the 250th anniversary, and is going to be huge.
I stayed so long I was alomst late getting the bike back, but I ended up having a really nice adventure. I want to go back again tomorrow, the Outing Club is going rock climbing and it's $30, which is too rich for my blood. I don't think my friends would be interested, but I'll invite them anyway, just in case.
It's only the late afternoon/early evening, but I'm feeling good about today. I'm glad I got to cycle around. I can't help but hope though, that soon I'll be Elsewhere, and able to swim in the river or go out on the pond in a boat on days when my friends are wasting their youth. Heck, while I'm dreaming, maybe Elsewhere friends are up for Saturday adventures. I can dream.
Now for gelato.

Ataraxia

Today in The Nature of Inquiry Ted brought up the idea of ataraxia. He described it as sitting out in your backyard with a cup of coffee and a book, but you aren't really attending to the book because "...it is just such a beautiful morning". I like that. I'm not a coffee drinker, or a backyard meditator for that matter, though maybe that has more to do with my backyard, which tends to be buggy, but I can appreciate his example. He had another that I liked more, which is closer to my ataraxic scenario. You're sitting out in your deck chair, and it's evening, you've been on the beach all day, and your friends are inside making the spaghetti, but you don't need to go in just yet, so you can just sit. I love it. Just typing it is relaxing me, I'm all limp. I think if you swap the deck chair for a hammock it would be perfect. The picture of relaxed, perfect contentment. The sound of the ocean, dinner smells wafting through the air, maybe an abandoned novel on the ground that you were reading before your mind went quiet and you stopped to just be in the moment. A cat sleeping on your stomach. What could be better?
I have an honors society thing at the college president's house tomorrow evening. I'm excited, Bill Edgar is going to be there. It sounds like fun too, like finding the small school within the bigger school. Professor Everett will be there too, and it's an excuse to wear a skirt. Not that I need one.
It's been very nice fall weather at night. It's sometimes sort of summery during the day, but at night you can really believe that it's late-mid-September. I'd like to have a campfire this weekend. Do a sort of cookout, and then stay out late, looking at the stars. It would be nice to do this with a drinking element. I feel like apple cider and rum sounds very autumnal and delicious, but then we'd be trapped wherever we were, and I don't have a sleeping bag at school. If I had my sleeping bag and tent though, it would be perfect. At the very least it's a nice idea. I suggested it to my friend EH tonight, and she was all for it, but this was before the drunk driving problem occurred to me. Ah well. Someday I'll get my hammock by the sea, and someday I'll have a bonfire and cider and rum with my friends. For now, I can visualize. And go to bed before midnight, which feels like a victory in and of itself.

Wednesday

I want to make this. I might need to go to Wegmans and try to make it in the dorm kitchen. That might be a nice thing to do Friday night actually.
Most of the time, when I really like someone, I want to be like them. I wish I looked like them, or was funny like them, there's something about them that seems so appealing that I wish I had too. This isn't the case with my friend DS, aka the girl with the purple shorts. Being with her is great, I always enjoy her company, but I don't want to be like her, because when I'm with her I feel so good about who I am. There's no tension, I feel appreciated and relaxed, and on occasion, witty. I probably wouldn't like being DS, she's very different from me, and I don't think I'd be as good at it, but she's a terrific friend to have. Sometimes it's nice to be around someone that allows you to let your guard down. I ran into her outside of the Union today. There was free ice cream, and I saw her sitting on a wall, eating her ice cream when I was in line. She came over and waited with me, and then we got lunch. I don't get to see her very often, so we caught up a little. She asked about my life, and even listened to a (brief) account of a dream I had. Eating with my friends can be complicated. CL eats off of my plate, so I can't save the things I like until the end of the meal. CWB makes a point of eating the least of everyone at the table, and NL rubs salt into her lips, which I find horrifying. DS is nice to eat with, honestly, the only drawback is that it takes so long because she gets me talking. She even stole a bowl for me to have for breakfast, right in front of a CAS worker, simply because I mentioned a need for a bowl.
On the way out of lunch I decided I wanted some peanuts from the free ice cream stand, so DS walked me back to the Union. They were closing up, and trying to get rid of the last of it, so we both took bowls. She's the kind of friend that you can get two bowls of ice cream with without guilt, but with giggling, and making each other promise to eat all of it.

On Friendship

Lately I've been wondering if I'm more attentive to friends in need then they are to me because I have less of a life, and so it isn't any bother, or because I'm more willing to put their problems ahead of my pleasures. If I had a friend in my situation, existential crisis-ing and whatnot, I would rally 'round, with advice, and reassurances of their personal value and help them through it. I took long walks all around Geneseo with a friend that was having difficulties last year, and was just There, in a way that my friends aren't for me. But maybe that's because they have jobs, and boyfriends and other things going on, and it can be very boring listening to someone in a crisis. I'm surprised I don't mind more, but it's almost reassuring, that these bonds are so fragile, and I can break free. I could just drift away from some friends, completely unnoticed. I do have nice friends too, it's very gratifying to know that rugby girls actually like me, even when I'm not on the team.
On a happier note: Happy Birthday to LCA!

Skirts

When I was in middle school I liked to wear clothes that didn't fit me. I would wear my dad's shirts, and giant jeans (not baggy, just long and the wrong size). I was having a lot of body issues. I started puberty kind of young, and I felt fat, and I thought big clothes would cover me up and make me look small by comparison. I eventually got over it, but it took a long time, and I hate the pictures of me from that time. That said, I love this one skirt that EGA bought in China, precisely because it is big. It makes me look short, and I have to wear a belt or it will fall right off. I wore this skirt all the time over the summer, and I'm actually wearing it right now. I'm not sure why I like it, and it seems unlikely that I wear it because of body issues, because you can see my legs. I like wearing other people's clothes. My friend DS loaned and then gave me a pair of purple shorts and I love wearing them. I think I like them because I think of them as being imbued with DS's essence. Wearing her shorts makes me feel like I can take a different perspective, be more like her, and that's nice because she's such a glowy, cool person. It's a nice skirt too, it's broken in and comfortable, and I hate wearing shorts. Also because it's too big it looks pretty casual, so I can wear it around, even with my huge silver circle earrings, and not feel over-dressed.

My My My It's A Beautiful World

Today is one of those nice days, when you feel like you're going to be fine, and it isn't worth getting bothered about the small stuff. I forgot my wallet in my room, and so I was locked out and briefly unable to buy a new Nalgene, but it was such a passing inconvenience, it seems so weird that any other day it would bother me a whole lot.
I always try to end things with people on a high note. It doesn't always work, and I think that's maybe why I still talk to TK sometimes, we haven't gotten to the point where you hear their name and feel a brief, I don;t know, appreciation maybe, for what you had. I was still feeling sort of sad about the way things ended with Goose last year, cuz it was so abrupt, and I didn't really have his side of the story. For all I knew he hated me, and that weighed on my mind. I sent him a friendly little facebook message though, and I got a friendly message back from him today. So I can end that chapter, cuz now it's resolved. I don't think I wanted to get into things with him again, I just wanted it to be friendly, and not weird if I see him around campus.
I've been reading a lot of P.G. Wodehouse lately. I just finished "Carry on Jeeves" today actually. That, and all of the Colin Hay I've been listening to today are putting me in a great mood. I woke up on the right side of the bed, but initial good moods can be fleeting. A good book and free downloads of tons of corny-but-good music have me right where I want to be mood-wise.

Probably Not Worth It

D. is watching some Jerry Springer-esque daytime tv show, and it's kind of annoying. And by kind of I mean excruciatingly so. I don't even think she's watching, it's just on in the background. She's in and out of the room, she's IMing, I'm pretty sure she isn't paying attention to the tv, but I've already asked her to turn the tv off before, and I don't want to be the tv Nazi. It's so bad though. I really wish we didn't have a tv in the room.