Sunday, October 5, 2008

How Did This Happen?

I'm really hoping it isn't an issue because I won't be here, but I don't have any housing prospects for next year. I don't need to live off campus, even though I really want to, but I don't even have a roommate. I don't know how it happened, but I sort of hate most of my friends. Not all the time, CWB brought me some chestnuts today, totally out of the blue, and I didn't hate that, but I don't feel close to anyone. I loved my rugby friends, but I don't think I'd like to live with them, and they're already set up with housing. I can't afford to live by myself, and it's such a risk living with strangers. I like my current roommate, but we aren't friends per se, we're just chummy roommates.
Fall Break can't come soon enough. I never see my friends, so it's not like we need space, but I need to get away. I feel like all the good in me has dried up. Almost everything my friends say pisses me off, and I feel like they feel equally hostile towards me. I had dinner with CL the other night, and he was so unfriendly. He shot down every topic of conversation I tried to bring up, I felt like the Dining Dead, and it was awful. We used to be friends. I missed him like crazy over the summer, and now we have meals where I want to throw my drink in his face and storm away and never speak to him again. The whole thing was just so depressing. It's awful when you can see that someone has stopped loving you. I tried so hard to keep loving my friends, even when they stopped making an effort, because I thought they'd eventually miss me and want to be close again. I called, over the summer I wrote, I asked about their lives, I went to their swim test for crew for chrissake! I tried really hard, and no one cared, and now I'm angry and friendless. As opposed to in denial and friendless. So now I'm going to work on my essays, cuz I can't be here for another two and a half years. I just can't do it, I hate the way I am here.

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