Friday, December 5, 2008


I had a great day. It started out slow, but then it got better. I had a tricky morning, I woke up an hour early because a friend txted me to tell me they didn't want to go to the hockey game. It wasn't a big deal, I had someone else to go with, and I went back to bed, but it made me sad. I ended up txting her back though, explaining, or at least outlining how I felt, and we made dinner plans. I'm oversensitive. I just feel insecure because I lost my two best friends at school from last year, and I never see anyone, and it makes me lonely. It isn't usually a big deal, but I miss Flora, and I had an awful night's sleep, so I was more inclined to get upset. Neediness isn't attractive though, so I'm trying to improve. I also didn't do as well on a paper as I had hoped, but I can pull an A if I don't choke on the final. It's my best class this semester, I'm not worried. Things started to look up when classes let out, I borrowed "Olive the Other Reindeer" from the library and found a perfect Christmas present for someone. I also hung out with Logic Boy. It's bad, but he knows the most about my life out of everyone at school. We talk online everyday, and he almost always comments on my Facebook status changes. He actually just IMed me, as I'm typing this. It's nice having someone care about me, but I suspect that's a weak bad way to view the situation. It's in hand though.
I went to a play this afternoon. The opening act was a medley of fragmented scenes from a musical that my Stage Musical TA Aaron is writing about Elizabeth Cady Stanton. I love him (in a way. I really enjoy having him on campus and knowing someone in theater productions.) but the play wasn't really ready. It has potential, but the actors didn't know their lines or even their cues, they were just reading parts of scenes out of scripts.
The actual play was about AIDS and so incredibly sad. I only went because I wanted to see Aaron's piece, but I had to stay. It was about a woman named Olivia that had AIDS, and how she cared for her mother until she died, and then got sick herself. I actually cried a little, it was very moving, but in an unsubtle way. The actors did a good job, but making people cry with stories about AIDS in Africa is like fishing with dynamite.
I had a big family dinner with my friends tonight. It was great seeing people, I hadn't seen Dana since before the break, not counting glimpses across campus when I've been too far away to say hi. At the same time, I felt like no one heard me. I kept wanting to tell people about my great day, but I don't think I even mentioned going to the AIDS play. I just never found an opening. I asked multiple times if people wanted to hang out after dinner, but no one responded. We all went back to Dana and Nicole's room, but because Chelsea invited herself and then I invited myself. I sometimes do something that I call goldfishing, where I open my mouth, but I can't get any sound to come out. It tends to happen when someone I only kind of know says hi to me, and it's unbelievably frustrating. That's sort of how I felt tonight. No one hears me. Then of course there's the standard feeling alienated during camp talk. That wasn't too bad, especially now that I'm not the only one who wishes it would burn down, but it was there. And Clarence moved away from me when I played with his hair but luxuriated like Anouk when Nicole did it. It's all about being desirable as a friend though. If I want people to like me I just need to be myself, and not treat every meal like an audition. I love my friends, and I really think things will get better. I wish I could explain myself better, maybe then things would be easier.
24 days until my birthday.

No comments: