New Blog

I made a new blog, as I haven't been Jonesing for more than a year. You can keep reading about my adventures at my new site though. http://picturesinmyeyes.blogspot.com/
Cheerio!

Christmas

I had a really lovely Christmas. The whole thing was just so pleasant, I feel very lucky. Christmas Eve started with the delightful Bikram yoga class, and was very laid-back and nice. We ultimately went to the children's , mass at Saint Joseph's, which I didn't really like. I love children, but we had to get there an hour early in order to get seats, and there was a thirty minute Christmas recital thing before the service started. Children are adorable, but scratchy violins and tiny girls singing in their tiny lisping voices are cruel and unusual. The priest also decided that, rather than sticking to the script and talking about the nativity story, he should tell a depressing story about the tree that grew up to be the cross on which Jesus was crucified. It's unclear why he thought this was better than a nice story about a baby in a manger, but he's the one with the microphone, so we were at his mercy. Christmas Eve at my grandmother's house was very nice. Someone had decided that we wouldn't watch the traditional movies, but we overrode them. We couldn't find "A Muppet Christmas Carol" though, which was very sad. It seemed likely that my cousin Andrew had hidden it, and we were a little excessively hostile towards him, but we take our muppets very seriously around here. All was forgiven during presents though, and the ensuing wrapping paper war was wonderful. It was especially fun because my Aunt Grace started it, which doesn't make sense unless you know her and know how quiet and sweet she is. She was our Franz Ferdinand though, and it was an epic battle, involving alliances, stockpiling weapons, and using our gift boxes as shields. Good times were had by all. We watched a little of "White Christmas", back by popular demand, but only until they get to Vermont. I swear, I haven't seen the end of that movie in at least five years.
Christmas morning was a delight. Emily helped me wake up by serenading me with "We Three Kings", while Lancaster did her best to lull me back to sleep by purring. I got some very charming presents, including "Pulp Fiction" and a lovely Smith hoodie. We host on Christmas Day, and so there wasn't a lot of downtime after gifts were over. I had to got to Wilson Farms twice before the guests arrived, but I ran into an old friend from high school, which was pleasant and not too awkward. I got to reminiscing then, but kept myself in check by thinking about all the ways in which he is not a suitable mate for me. So many ways.
The young adults in my family are becoming entirely too glamorous, but it was nice to see my cousins. We were a little awkward at first, having exhausted all of our topics for conversation at Christmas Eve, but things eventually began to feel natural again as the night wore on. It helped that my mother decided to buy Christmas crackers this year, just like in "Harry Potter". They didn't contain any admiral hats or live white mice, but i got a bottle opener in mine, as well as a joke about crossing a skeleton and a detective. They had paper hats too, and we all wore them and looked very British and quaint.
Dinner was excellent. Everything got to the table hot, which is a feat for us, and the turkey was moist and delicious. There was much too much food, we'll be eating turkey until I got to Smith, but at least it's quality. Dessert was good too, as I made a recipe I found in the Times Food Section. It was a bourbon chocolate cake, and it turned out well, despite our modifications that we had to make out of necessity. It was very alcoholic, if nothing else, but most people seemed to like it. I would like to someday host Christmas, but I think I'll need to mature somewhat before I'm ready; as it is I need to much ego stroking. I told everyone to try the cake, and then asked "Is it poison?". I also told a bunch of people about how I made the salad dressing, even though I used too much vinegar and it hurt my mouth because it was so sour. I want recognition, darn it. I love Christmas though, and I already have a tiny tree that is overloaded with ornaments, so I think I'm the clear candidate to take over when the time comes. Not that I can think of anyone that hates Christmas, but still. Dibs.
I brought Flora down to show her off. Most of the relatives hadn't seen her before, and she was a big hit after she eventually uncurled. She's a joy. My grandfather asked me what she's for, and I told him she makes me seem quirky and unusual, and that's what she's for. She is also good to hold though, better than a stress ball because she's fragile and depends on me, so I don't want to squeeze. Also, squeezing a hedgehog would be extremely painful. But she makes me feel protective and calm. I liked showing her off, it made her seem novel again, instead of the standard pleasant.
Emily did most of the cleanup this year, and so I just planked around, noming cold turkey and chatting with people. It was nice. Emily introduced us to this great new Christmas album, and we listened to a very sweet song about the farm animals that were in Jesus's manger. It was a good, peaceful conclusion to a merry Christmas.
I feel like things should be over for a bit now. I would be down for a few weeks of suspended animation before going straight to Smith. If my life were a sitcom I would probably get to skip ahead from the holiday special to at least New Years, but it isn't, so I'm going to have to keep on plugging away. I hope things are nice, but I suspect they will be, at least for the most part. My wishes at 11:11 have gotten to be very vague, my life is pretty much just where I want it. I don't want to tempt fate, but I'm happy.

Leaving No Trace

I'm feeling really good about things today. I was fighting back tears all of yesterday, I felt like no one would even notice my absence next year, and that I hadn't had any impact on anyone during my time at Geneseo. I don't usually take that attitude, I typically subscribe to the butterfly effect, every-little-thing-changes-the-world-in-some-way view of things. I'm back to that. I went and thanked the Holcomb teachers today, and then went to the fitness center one last time, just to see, not to work out. I have a farewell muffin at MJ, and went back to my room and packed up. I put on the Lucille Ball song "Open A New Window" from "Mame!" while I packed, it seemed fitting. Leaving is kind of sad, but I'm really excited to go to Smith. After all, life's a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death. This is a good thing.

Goodbye

Goodbye Warthogs. Goodbye team mates and Colin and 'Daga field. Goodbye 58 Court St. and every ill-advised kiss and every five-hour or ten-month crush.
Goodbye Letchworth, and Red Jacket and MJ. Goodbye weekend brunch home fries and warm cookies on Thursdays.
Goodbye Holcomb, goodbye demonic three-year olds.
Goodbye Genessee Abbey and Monk Bread. Goodbye perfect five mile run route.
Goodbye Saint Mary's. Goodbye delightful African priest, and keeping an eye out for Sloan despite disliking him, and always trying (and failing) to catch his eye during the passing of the peace.
Goodbye leather chair in the quiet section of the library. Goodbye Sunday afternoons spent reading the Times in Books and Bytes.
Goodbye spur of the moment, hours-long conversations with Elizabeth in the bathroom and library.
Goodbye Mias, goodbye IB. Goodbye Wadsworth Library.
Goodbye hammy TA and people who have heard of, and appreciate NARD.
Goodbye Sturges bells.
Goodbye thumping heart every time I see Goose.
Goodbye "House" nights, and pomegranates eaten on Elizabeth's bed during "How I Met Your Mother".
Goodbye Teresa House and Invisible Children.
Goodbye beautiful friends. I hope it isn't actually goodbye for us.
Hello Smith.

Shhh...

I'm trying to quiet my mind. Three exams and an email from Smith have made it very noisy in my head, and it's getting hard to focus. Danielle doesn't have an exam tomorrow, so she's down the hall watching a movie. I'm less jealous of her leisure than her peace of mind. I wish I had someone I could call that would come over and calm me down. I don't though, so I turned out all but my Christmas lights and put Iron and Wine on very softly. I'm taking deep breaths, and I'm starting to feel better. I went running today as an attempt to calm down and make myself tired enough to go to bed early so I would be well-rested for my exam. I've decided I want to be someone that de-stresses with running. It helped for a few hours actually, but I'm back to feeling like I swallowed snakes now that bedtime is approaching. Shhh... It's hard to reassure myself that I'll be ok, that I have all but guaranteed A's in most of my classes, and the exams are just like every other test I took this semester. Brad and Nate are recommending me for SCA internships, and I'm taking a WFR course over break, so all I'll need to be a crew leader next summer is a drivers licence. I have work lined up for winter break, and I'll be home a week from today. Breathe.

Thank You!

I love it!

Headaches

I had a great day. It started out slow, but then it got better. I had a tricky morning, I woke up an hour early because a friend txted me to tell me they didn't want to go to the hockey game. It wasn't a big deal, I had someone else to go with, and I went back to bed, but it made me sad. I ended up txting her back though, explaining, or at least outlining how I felt, and we made dinner plans. I'm oversensitive. I just feel insecure because I lost my two best friends at school from last year, and I never see anyone, and it makes me lonely. It isn't usually a big deal, but I miss Flora, and I had an awful night's sleep, so I was more inclined to get upset. Neediness isn't attractive though, so I'm trying to improve. I also didn't do as well on a paper as I had hoped, but I can pull an A if I don't choke on the final. It's my best class this semester, I'm not worried. Things started to look up when classes let out, I borrowed "Olive the Other Reindeer" from the library and found a perfect Christmas present for someone. I also hung out with Logic Boy. It's bad, but he knows the most about my life out of everyone at school. We talk online everyday, and he almost always comments on my Facebook status changes. He actually just IMed me, as I'm typing this. It's nice having someone care about me, but I suspect that's a weak bad way to view the situation. It's in hand though.
I went to a nice...er...interesting play this afternoon. The opening act was a medley of fragmented scenes from a musical that my Stage Musical TA Aaron is writing about Elizabeth Cady Stanton. I love him (in a way. I really enjoy having him on campus and knowing someone in theater productions.) but the play wasn't really ready. It has potential, but the actors didn't know their lines or even their cues, they were just reading parts of scenes out of scripts.
The actual play was about AIDS and so incredibly sad. I only went because I wanted to see Aaron's piece, but I had to stay. It was about a woman named Olivia that had AIDS, and how she cared for her mother until she died, and then got sick herself. I actually cried a little, it was very moving, but in an unsubtle way. The actors did a good job, but making people cry with stories about AIDS in Africa is like fishing with dynamite.
I had a big family dinner with my friends tonight. It was great seeing people, I hadn't seen Dana since before the break, not counting glimpses across campus when I've been too far away to say hi. At the same time, I felt like no one heard me. I kept wanting to tell people about my great day, but I don't think I even mentioned going to the AIDS play. I just never found an opening. I asked multiple times if people wanted to hang out after dinner, but no one responded. We all went back to Dana and Nicole's room, but because Chelsea invited herself and then I invited myself. I sometimes do something that I call goldfishing, where I open my mouth, but I can't get any sound to come out. It tends to happen when someone I only kind of know says hi to me, and it's unbelievably frustrating. That's sort of how I felt tonight. No one hears me. Then of course there's the standard feeling alienated during camp talk. That wasn't too bad, especially now that I'm not the only one who wishes it would burn down, but it was there. And Clarence moved away from me when I played with his hair but luxuriated like Anouk when Nicole did it. It's all about being desirable as a friend though. If I want people to like me I just need to be myself, and not treat every meal like an audition. I love my friends, and I really think things will get better. I wish I could explain myself better, maybe then things would be easier.
24 days until my birthday.

People Are Delightful

I have a sort of sixth sense for when I'm going to get a package. As I checked my email, my mail-sense tingled, and I hoped that I was going to get something. I wasn't expecting anything, so I was especially pleased when I did have a message telling me to pick up my package from the mailroom. "What could it be?" I wondered. My next thought was "I hope it's cookies!". I don't typically get random cookie-grams, but it has happened in the past. Trying to brace myself in case it wasn't cookies or a giant acceptance letter that was too big to fit in my mailbox, I tried to think of a boring package possibility. There is no such thing as a boring package though. Even getting freeze-dried mealworms was exciting. The package turned out to be a finals care package from the Geneseo Presbyterian Church. So it was cookies. It was also goldfish crackers, a juice box, chocolate kisses, popcorn, hot cider mix, lots of nice treats from a church that I don't even attend. And what has Saint Mary's sent me lately? Hmmm? No, I'm kidding, but it was so nice of the Presbyterians to do that. I wish my church did that, it would be such a nice volunteer thing. I think it would be a lot of fun making up boxes of treats for stressed out students. I'm really pleased about this surprise gift. I'm going to try to do something nice for someone today, just to pass it on.

Ice Knights

I am on a mission. I am going to go to the men's ice hockey game this Friday night, and I'm not going to go by myself. It doesn't sound that ambitious, but it is. How sad is that? It isn't like the prom or anything, and I just want a friend to go, I'm not looking for a date, but it's entirely possible that I'll fail. I 've already asked someone and been turned down. I'm refusing to take it personally though. She's legitimately busy. I know finals are coming, but I don't think two hours will make or break anyone. I'm pulling out the big guns on this one, I might even ask people that I'm only friendly acquaintances with, that I don't consider friends. I only have so many people that I consider friends, I'll run out fast. It's character building.
I remembered to say "rabbit rabbit" this morning, AND Smith got my college official's report. These are signs. Plus, Brad actually checked his facebook and is willing to be a reference for my SCA internship application. Things are going well. I'm going to be cautiously optimistic about the hockey game.
We had our first Sunday of Advent mass last night. It was freezing raining so the choir leader couldn't make it, and most of the choir wasn't there anyway. I went despite the weather because I was sure we were going to sing "O Come O Come Emmanuel" and we totally did. The church was practically empty though, so I felt very self-conscious because I'm not a very good singer and it's a kinda tricky song. The Marine walked in during the opening hymn because he's suddenly the churchgoing type, and I got all embarrassed. Not for any good reason, just because. It's a small-ish school, I need to be able to function around people that make me feel awkward because there's really no avoiding them. Awkwardness aside, it was an interesting mass, I think I'll appreciate the choir all the more this week.
I was really excited about my Advent calendar last year. I was still living with Laura, and things were going really well. Danielle is a nice roommate, and I talk to her more than I've ever talked to a roommate, but I miss living with Laura sometimes. I don't watch "Law and Order" anymore. I tried, but I don't like it anymore. But back to the calendar. I remember telling Chelsea that I was so excited to open the doors, I wanted the days to go faster. This year I'm much more laidback about it, which is weird because it's a chocolate calendar.
I wish I could go back and visit last year. It occurred to me as I was walking to dinner that my sort of friend Paige probably eats dinner by herself every night because she lives by herself. I never ate by myself last year, or if I did I don't remember doing it. I don't mind a lot of the time, but it's weird to think about what I lost, and how long it's reasonable to stay angry.