Barbie Dream College

Oh man. Their school color is pink, their teams are called the vixens, this places is nuts. Even the name, Sweet Briar College, sounds like a finishing school. Is it really terrible that I want to apply there? They don't have rugby, that's a drawback, and it's filled with pony girls, but it's like, Southern belle school. I could go and marry a Hampden-Sydney guy.

Almost Perfect, but...Not Quite

I got into the Honors Program today. It's another class with Professor Everett/Scott Oakley, and I get $2000 a year for every year I participate. It's a nice feather in my cap, I'm pretty excited that I got in.
Even though it's great that I got accepted into the program, I would almost rather have gotten straight A's. I was so sure I was going to, I was just waiting on Abnormal Psychology, and it felt like an A. But no, I got a B+. It wasn't meant to be this semester I guess. I was saying last night that it was ok that some of my A's (fine, most of my A's) were A-'s, it just gives me something to strive for next semester. Mostly A's isn't bad, I can deal with one B+ for the time being, but next semester I'm getting all A's. And I'm getting an A in my summer class. It's frustrating that every semester makes A's worth less, so it's harder to boost my GPA. There's nothing for me to do right now though, but celebrate my getting into the Honors Program. I'll sort everything else out later I guess.

Summer Days

Finals suck. They're stressful, and people are tense, and no one appreciates that it's the end of the year, and seniors are graduating, and it's beautiful out because they're cloistered in the library. I'm not someone that is going to get into hijinks over the summer, and I'm done partying for the semester, but it feels wasteful that I'm staying in to study while people are celebrating. There have been parties, and fireworks, and slip 'n slides, but I've been staying in and working. I was even going to skip the final girls' rugby bash today, even though it was a dry event, because I can't wrap my mind around fun during finals. I eventually decided to go, but I also decided to not have fun, so it wouldn't count. I wore jeans, and I brought a textbook, and I was only going to stay for half an hour, and then go to the library. I hung around the fringes for a little while, not going on the slip 'n slide or painting my face, but it's such a nice crowd, I got sucked in. We played lemonade pong, and squirted people with the hose, and the next thing I knew I was being corralled into jello wrestling. It did not look appealing, the jello was a mix of flavors, so it was sort of seaweedy muddy brown in color, but it smelled delicious. I was given play clothes, and I ended up kneeling in a kiddy pool trying to take out my friend Brittney. She killed me, but she's bigger than I am, and she ended up coming in second overall, so I didn't mind. It was an Experience. I had jello all over, in my eyelashes, in my ears, and I was completely slimy, until I was completely sticky that is. I'm so glad I went today. It was one of those days that just feels Good, like now all I want is to listen to Damien Rice while my hair dries from my shower. There was pizza at the party, so I didn't have to use my meal plan, (I'm somehow almost out. I don't know how I'm so low this semester, I had a lot of extra at the end of fall semester.) and I also had an orange and an ice cream sandwich. I think I'll go to the library for a little while, and then I'll come back, maybe watch a Buffy, and then go to bed. I keep thinking it's Sunday, but it isn't, and every time I remember that it's like getting a present.

The End of NARD

I've written about NARD before, but in case you don't remember, they're a comedy/ a capella group on campus. There are only four members, Nick, Alex, Rob and Dave, and they are all graduating this year. Tonight was their final performance. I've seen them several times this year, and they've always been entertaining, funny, and in tune, but tonight was especially good. It was a big crowd, and you could tell the people hadn't just wandered over to the Green and sat down, they clearly wouldn't have missed the show for anything. The show started forty minutes late, and it started to rain, although that didn't last too long. People stayed though. Not everyone, I had gone with CWB, but she left before the show started. It was ok, though it sort of reinforced my belief that I'm All Alone. I was under the impression that when you love someone, and they love something and want to share it with you, you tolerate it. Whenever I play someone a song on my iPod, I love the person a little extra if they listen to the entire song. I love NARD, I'll tell anyone as much, but no one felt like joining me, and that's ok. Nick said it all when at the end of the show he told the audience how much it meant to him that we were all there, and that we were happy to be there. I wouldn't have wanted to drag people along if they were going to leave midway, or stay and be bored, or make me feel apologetic for loving the show and wanting to stay until the end. It was too good for that, and I wasn't alone, the entire audience was brought together by our mutual appreciation for these four boys.
I used to wonder which member of NARD was my favorite, like with the Beatles. It was always close, but Rob (tenor II) secured his spot tonight. (I think he's probably the Ringo of the group. Alex is Paul, Nick is John, Dave is George. They fit the roles surprisingly neatly, I didn't even have to give it much thought.) Their families had all come, and they were heading into their last number, and Rob got all choked up as he told his groupmates how much they mean to him, and how amazing it's been performing together these past four years. He started to cry, which set my second favorite, Dave (bass) off, and the four of them struggled to get through Billy Joel's "Lullabye", but they held it together enough for it to sound really beautiful, and be really moving.
I bought their cd after the show, even though it was $10 that I don't really have. I don't know the guys from NARD personally, but I'm really going to miss them. I went to their Christmas show back when I was just getting to know Dana, and Goose and I went to see them on our only real date. I've been thinking a lot about this year, and when I remember the good times I have to give NARD their due. Their shows were bright spots. I feel lucky that I got to see them as much as I did, and I think $10 is a real bargain for having their cd, and being able to listen to it whenever I want to remember what a great group they were, and how much they meant to my freshman year.

Anticipate

“When things mean a very great deal to you, exciting anticipation just isn't safe.”
-Dodie Smith

I know I have an envelope in my near future, and the anticipation is like a drug. I want to get in, but just knowing that the letter is coming is exciting, whatever the outcome. I was all excited today when I checked my mailbox, even though I know it's early. It was empty, but there's always tomorrow. It gives me a rush, turning the dial, every nerve on edge, it's exciting. I'm setting myself up for a fall, I know I'm kidding myself when I say I'm anything short of desperate to get in, but I can't shake my optimism. I still believe I'm going to be happy, and since I'm not happy here, I feel like a solution will be dropped in my lap. I wish I had applied to more places. Getting into the honors program would be a delightful feather in my cap, but it wouldn't be as nice as transferring. I want a fresh start, I need wide open spaces, room to make the big mistakes. I need to not listen so closely to Dixie Chicks lyrics.

Alumni Weekend

Sometimes it's better to not be excited for things, because it's so easy for fantasy to put reality to shame. I thought Alumni Weekend would be way more fun than it really was. It wasn't bad, I had fun, but when when I was picturing what it would be like, I didn't consider things like bruised noses, or stomachaches or rain. Lots of people had a really great time, I had an ok time. The game was good, and I liked watching the boys' game, (it was great seeing Colin in action), but it wasn't anything to write home about really. I'm only posting about it because I was so vocal about my excitement. At the very least it was interesting. I was in the mood to let things happen, and so I was friendly and social, and I ended up at Denny's with Lord Licorice at three AM. It's interesting when things that should be uncomfortable aren't. It was awkward, but I feel like anyone could be friends with anyone else if they tried, and Licorice is a nice guy. It's sad, but I'm more comfortable with guys that I'm not attracted to, and so I'm more relaxed and likable. I'm a little young to give up just yet, but maybe the solution is to find someone I can be myself around, and then twenty-five years later realize that I've grown to love them. CWB told me the other day that she's pretty sure she'll be unhappy in life, and that if she gets married she'll probably get divorced. At the time I was appalled, and it's still depressing, but maybe it's just realistic. But then what's the point in having hope, or trying at anything?
If nothing else, Alumni Weekend made me realize that 1. boys are disgusting, and 2. even if I still like them, I do not want to date a rugger. I'd be better served getting a dog.
Mum is coming to visit and I'm excited.

Breakfast

I don't like eating breakfast with people. On the weekends the dining halls don't open until 11, and I have time to wake up and get my head straight before I go, so I can be sociable at brunch. Weekdays however, are a totally different matter. I'm thinking about getting to class, and I don't want to be bothered. It isn't usually a problem, but today Logic Boy straight accosted me at breakfast and ruined my bagel eating experience. I'm getting sick of the awkwardness, and I do not have the emotional energy required to hold another loser guy's hand while he works through his issues,despite the fact that no one understands him the way I do. If these people hold it for like ten years, they can come and pay me, and I'll listen to every complaint they throw at me. Right now though, I'm 19, and I can't take on other people's problems. Finals are coming up, and my personal life is stressing me out enough as it is. I do not need some random guy telling me I'm beautiful, and acting like he is my boyfriend, flipping out when I let a day go by before responding to his facebook messages. Messages. As in more than one. He doesn't get to be that needy. Before I was shallow, but now his personality turns me off too. I can't get lunch at the Union, or breakfast at MJ because he knows my schedule and doesn't seem to understand that an iPod or newspaper are the equivalents of Do Not Disturb signs. He's messing up my routine, and I don't have that much wiggle room! I'm already unable to go to the library cafe for breakfast Tuesdays or Thursdays, or lunch Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays cuz that's when Goose is there. When and where am I supposed to eat?? I hate boys! The only solution is to live in my room, emerging only to go to class. I can't even go to the gym without seeing someone I'd rather not. Why are college guys so regimented? Shouldn't they be wild and unpredictable?
This year cannot end soon enough.